Do you ever feel, to quote Meg Ryan in "You've Got Mail," that you've become the worst version of yourself? That may be too strong of a description for how I'm feeling right now, but it's close. I could make a list of ways that I have failed this past week...things I got wrong, people I didn't call but should have, rooms that should be clean but are not. It can be really hard when you're already feeling so rotten about yourself to remember the good things you did...Like even though I didn't get the whole bathroom clean, at least I cleaned the tub and the counter, thankyouverymuch. We moved into this house in July of 2007 and this is maybe the second time I've cleaned the tub. Go ahead, be grossed out, I don't care. And although I didn't go visit the girl from church that I said I would, I did watch my friend's kids for them when they needed me. I also made a sinfully delicious chocolate cake with a million layers and three different types of frosting for my friend's daughter who turned fourteen, and I got to eat all of the extra pieces that I had to trim off the sides. Yum. Beau suffered for it, and so did my carpet, couch, and rocking chair...all places where he kept spitting up, but goshdarnit it was good! And since this post is titled "Reality Check," I might as well just go ahead and admit that I am the kind of mom that yells. Yes. I do. Especially when I'm tired. When am I not tired? I easily succumb to that rising wave of anxiety in my chest when my children are acting irrational and ornery, and the words erupt from my mouth without censure... BEKAH! STOPHITTINGYOURBROTHERYOUKNOWYOU'RENOTSUPPOSEDTODOTHAT!JACOBWHENSHESAYSSTOPTHATMEANSYOUSTOPWHYDOYOUHAVETOBESOLOUDYOUKNOWTHATBEAUISSLEEPINGRIGHTNEXTDOORANDYOU'REGOINGTOWAKEHIMUPANDTHENYOU'LLHAVETOSITONTHEWASHERNOWGOUPSTAIRSANDGETINBEDBEKAHPICKTHATUPYOUKNOWTHAT'SNOTWHERETHATGOESANDSTOPSPITTINGATYOURBROTHER...
Um. Yeah. I guess I need to put double asterisks next to that New Year's resolution. Capitalize and underscore, baby! It makes me even more grateful to those people who love me despite all my craziness. Like my mom. And my Heavenly Father. He knows me to my very core and he still loves me. And my Savior. I heard maybe two words at church today so yes, I'm going to quote a scripture on my blog just to feel better about it all. In the Book of Mormon, in Alma 7:11-13 it says, "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people. And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities. Now the Spirit knoweth all things; nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold, this is the testimony which is in me."
See? My Savior atoned not only for my sins but for my infirmities and pains and sicknesses. He suffered so that he could extend mercy. He knows what I am going through and I am grateful for that.
And I'm sure He wouldn't like to clean the tub either.
6 comments:
Oh wow. I could have written this EXACT same post on my blog. Glad I'm not alone. AND it's when I DO remember that I'm not alone in this (ie. other mom's are going through this too AND I have a Savior that can help me if I let Him) that things feel a little lighter to bear.
A long time ago, on my "Wanda" post, I said "I try hard not to yell at my kids". That is still true. But I have realized that what I consider "raising my voice" others might consider yelling. I have thought about (especially the last couple of weeks) re-posting to clarify but I realized that nothing has changed- I TRY HARD not to yell at my kids. And I will keep trying.
Also, knowing that I am not alone in my miserable moments. I recently heard that Grandma Payne, mother of 12 and the woman who wanted MORE children still, would sometimes go outside and sit in the car when she needed a time out. I have always considered her one of the best mothers I know and if she had her moments... well, we just keep trying.
Keri, I just have to say that you're awesome and I love ya to death! I love your honesty and your post makes me want to be a better mom/person too. Thanks! Oh, and I sometimes yell at my kids too, and then I feel horrible two seconds later. Does that make you feel any better? :)
All I can say is "I'm glad I'm not alone". My husband actually cleans our tubs because he knows that I never seem to get them and every day I start the day trying not to yell and every night I end by asking forgiveness for my lack of patience! But let me just say, you are a wonderful Mom!
I am also so glad to hear that you took a while to name Beau, that gives me hope. :)
Oh Keri, well you're right about one thing: We do love you despite all your craziness. :) By the way you talk about your kids and your family and the adventures you have, I'd say you're doing a pretty darn good job there lady. And on another note, I'm sitting here thinking "wow, you got your tub cleaned with three kids in the house? All I have is a basset hound and my bathroom is disgusting! What kind of a horrible underachiever am I?" So you see, what seems like lack of accomplishment to you is like mega-accomplishment to people like me! It's all about perspective!
Keri I feel your pain. Although I didn't have to clean our tub Ferrin cleaned it and decide to remodel the bathroom while doing it. As far as yelling at kids I think I do that uhm pretty much every day. I think I'm crazier then you. You know what we need a pizzookie at Oregano's ROAD TRIP!
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