Sugar and Spice

Oh life, sweet life. It is usually so much easier and wiser to ignore the harder aspects of life when I write for this blog. I mean, who wants to hear about grumpy kids or a messy house or the usual four o'clock witching hour? We all know that those hard and trying things are a part of everyday life and it just feels so much more optimistic to glaze them over and write about silly/happy kids, fun milestones, amazing craft projects and adventures. It's almost like writing about dark times means acknowledging that things are actually hard, cloudy, dull and difficult. And so while writing about roses all the time is more pleasurable, it's just plain dumb to assume that they got there without any storms.
So with that lengthy prologue, here is a little about my storms of late...feel free to click away if you don't want to hear me whine...
Rus and I went on a date this past weekend. (I know, talk about STORM...just kidding - that was the good part, people!) DeAnn and Jake had our three older kids and so it was just us and Marianne alone for one evening, one night, and one morning. And although it was wonderful to have some time to ourselves, it seemed to take us quite a while to decompress...and while I sat there trying to think of why I felt so tense and tired I thought about all the things we have done this year: remodeling, moving, putting our house up for rent, having a new baby, changing schools, changing wards... DUH! I think we can check of quite a few things on our "stress factor" list! Just one of those things can be stressful, but all of them together has left me feeling like I am in the twilight zone. I must say: We have been richly blessed that everything has gone so well this year. But it has still been hard. Marianne is a wonderful baby, but at times I am just so exhausted that it is a huge effort to rock her to sleep or feed her one more time. Nursing her did not go well and now I am feeding her formula - a decision that has left me feeling a little depressed and guilty. I really wanted to nurse her like I did Beau. When she was about four weeks old and the pain was really intense (crying every time she latched on), I went to talk to a lactation consultant who thought I might have thrush. I took the medication for thrush but it had horrible side effects and so I quit taking it. I talked with another lactation consultant. I met with two midwives at different times (who said, "well, let me know if you figure it out..."). I tried different positions, used a nipple shield, tried two different creams, pumped...I really, really feel like I exhausted all my options and that quitting was necessary. So I tried to quit gradually so it wouldn't affect her very much, but then I found that nursing her hurt, and not nursing her hurt and so I quit cold turkey. Five days ago. And it still hurts, and she hasn't been sleeping well and she has a little cold today and I can't help but feel even more guilty because while nursing her hurt me, she was happy and content.
Bekah, Jacob and Beau have been great helpers through all of this but I can tell that me not feeling good affects them too. They are tired and jumpy and whiny just like I am. Guilt, guilt! I know the mother is the heart of the home, but dang! That's a lot of responsibility! I would really like to feel like a normal, happy, light-hearted person sometime soon...and by "normal" I mean super-mom who remembers everything, never yells (or cries), keeps everything clean, crafts, volunteers at the school, exercises, and makes jokes. The mom I am today does not find any humor in the five smelly diapers that are lingering on couches and floors around the house, the fact that Colonel has eaten two of Marianne's bottles, Bekah's "hoarder-esque" bedroom, the funny smell coming out of the boys room, my dirty bathroom, my roller-coaster emotions, and the impending holiday season in general. If I'm really being honest, the mom I am today would just like to be flat chested again. (Now that's funny. Admit it.)
Arggg...well there you have it. I promise to step down from my tower of lamentation now and tell you a few of the good things of late:
My birthday was on Tuesday, and considering the discomfort of not nursing (which please tell me some of you are familiar with), it was actually a really good day. I had lunch with Rus, took Beau to the park, got to visit with my (Rus's) cousin Joy, and was surprised by DeAnn and a dozen cupcakes from Cake Fetish. The cupcakes were delicious. I think I had a bite of each one of them (we cut them into fourths and everyone got to sample a few...I admit in the middle of the night I was swearing off sugar for good). Rus made me dinner, facebook sent dozens of emails my way full of birthday wishes, and I got phone calls and texts from people I love. It was a really fun day and I felt super special, just like you should on your birthday.
Here is me and the Bug - she is getting SO chubby it cracks me up! LOVE those rolls and her big double chin!

And here is the only cupcake that was left by the time I got around to taking a picture...which is really your loss because those dozen cupcakes were simply beautiful.

And yes, here is a bird. Rus has turned into one of those obsessed bird watchers. I went to upload pictures for this post and found a half dozen pictures of birds that he saw outside and wanted to identify. Gosh he's such a nerd and I love him! Incidentally this one is a curved-bill thrasher.