I've realized that every night when I pray for my kids to be happy the next day that I've got it all wrong. Let me explain...Last Saturday our ward put on a Valentine's dinner, which they do every year (I love it!) and then while we were eating they showed this video from Better Life Media called "Life Would Be Easy if it Weren't for Other People". We watched about 20-25 minutes of it. Connie Podesta was the lady in the video giving the audience a combined comedy/therapy session. I'm not sure if the church dinner was the right place or time to show the video, but I really liked what she had to say. She's a marriage/family counselor, and she said that about 25 years ago she had her clients fill out a survey and name what they wanted most for their children. She said that the number one thing parents wanted for their children was for them to be RESPECTFUL. Number two was HARD WORKING. Number three was COMPASSIONATE. Their children's happiness was not even part of the equation.
I bet we all could guess what parents today want most for their children, and that would be happiness. Parents worry so much about their children's self-esteem that they don't want them to be part of a competition where there are winners and losers. Every child on a little league team gets a trophy whether they did well or not because heaven forbid they think they're not as good as someone else on the team or on another team. We are high on compliments and low on constructive criticism. What kind of real-life lesson is it when we are always complimenting and boosting our children, and never attempting to help them recognize where they fell short and could do better? I have realized that when I concern myself so much with my children's happiness, I neglect to discipline them. So everytime Bekah cries I ask myself what I am doing wrong as a parent. She is becoming a really good moper, and I always feel compelled to cheer her up when she is moping. So instead of being respectful, hardworking, and compassionate, she is a whining, unhelpful, rude little person a lot of the time. I know a lot of it is really the self-centeredness of toddler-dom, but I also know that if I work with her she can be a person who is respectful to me and her dad other children and parents, and that she can be so helpful and kind to me and others. I will always want Bekah and Jacob to be happy, but I think I've realized that while I can teach them by my example how to be happy, I can't be in charge of their happiness to the point of neglecting to teach and discipline them. I really want them to be respectful, hardworking and compassionate. So maybe that's what I'll pray for tonight...
4 comments:
I think you hit it spot on. Even though I am not a parent and haven't had these struggles...I have often thought about it. I have been planning on bringing happiness into my future circumstances...but how is that successful. What you touched on moved me to do some research. Here is what I found...and I thought was the most interesting. I got this from Terry Warner, “I Have a Question,” Ensign, Mar. 1996, 72–73:
"Is it really possible to be firm without being harsh, or to be loving without being lenient? To some parents, this counsel may seem hard to follow, but the prophets and scriptures tell us that love and firmness should always go together.
President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Jesus lived and taught the virtues of love and kindness and patience. He also taught the virtues of firmness and resolution and persistence and courageous indignation. These two sets of virtues seem to clash with each other … , yet both are necessary. If there were but one, love without discipline, love without deep conviction of right and wrong, without courage to fight the wrong, such love becomes sentimentalism. Conversely, the virtues of righteous indignation without love can be harsh and cruel” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982, p. 245)."
I loved that the talk speaks about the very thing you have discovered. It is good to know that other people are aware of this exact circumstance and feeling. Here is the URL: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=d5907cf34f40c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
I'm a friend/cousin of Nikki's and she mentioned your blog in a recent post so I was just checking it out.
I totally agree with you and love how you phrased everything. I think I am going to follow that example and pray for those very same things for my kids. Thanks for the wonderful post.
Hey stranger! My little boy is 3 and frequently acts the same way, I needed this reminder! Thanks! I am so glad to have found your blog, it's such a great way to keep in touch! Hope your doing well, and that everything goes smoothly with baby #3!
This post is nice. I could relate well with it, I have two kids. My wife taught them to pray for their needs and wishes everynight, afterwhich my wife would pray aloud, about what she wants for our children, they listen and try to be like that.
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